One: Buy condoms. Buy them and keep them with you at all times, and use them before you are asked to use them. And use them every time. The peace of mind you allow your partner will free her to be vulnerable with you, and that, my son, is exactly what sex is about. Condoms are sexy. In fact, call buying condoms foreplay.
(Footnote: If you are too embarrassed to buy condoms, you are not ready to have sex.)
Two: Kissing is not merely foreplay. Spend entire evenings making out on the couch while fully clothed. Believe me, dry-humping rocks.
Three: Sex is not just about friction. It’s about emotion. Stop trying to find her clitoris and find her heart. Because then she’ll help you find her clitoris.
Four: If you really wanna know how to please a woman, ask her how she masturbates. Then do that. A lot. If she claims she doesn’t masturbate, offer to take her shopping for a vibrator so you can both learn the vocabulary of her body together.
Five: Don’t put anything in her butthole you wouldn’t want in your own.
(Footnote: Try a pinky finger, it’s kinda awesome.)
Six: When you go down on her—and you will go down on her, and if you are my son, you will be amazing at it—tell her how good she tastes. Stop in the middle and kiss her deeply so she knows how good she tastes. Do the same when she goes down on you.
Seven: A simple Google search will yield 1,327 euphemisms for male masturbation, yet only 23 for female masturbation. If guys spent less time jacking off and more time jilling off, this world would be a happier place.
Eight: Everything you need to know about the importance of the clitoris is in the movie Star Wars. You are Luke Skywalker piloting your penis-shaped X-Wing Fighter deep inside her trench. Remember: seventy percent of all Death Stars cannot be blown up through penetration of the trench alone. It must be through focused contact with that little exhaust port at the top of the trench. Otherwise, any explosions you experience will be merely Hollywood special effects.
Nine: Just because you come doesn’t mean she has, so don’t you dare come before her. Focus completely on your partner. Don’t worry about gettin’ yours, you’re a guy. You always get yours. Your job is to make sure she’s gettin’ hers.
Ten: If sex with your partner lasts no longer than this poem, you are not making love. You are masturbating with her body instead of your hand. Shame on you. Go back to step one. You’ve got a lot of learning to do.
actual Japanese people: It’s OK to speak Japanese! It’s OK to wear kimono! You can do that if you’re not Japanese! That makes me proud as a Japanese person!
white people: NO YOU CAN’T WEAR KIMONO IF YOU’RE NOT JAPANESE AND YOU CAN’T SPEAK JAPANESE IF YOU’RE NOT JAPANESE
Japanese people are so prideful when foreigners attempt their language, or do cultural things. Many of them are very excited to do those things with you and show you things about Japan.
People don’t realize that in Japan, most of the population is not exposed to foreigners, so when they are, some of them get very happy to show them around. It’s fascinating for many of them to see people envelope themselves into the culture when they aren’t a part of it.
Of course, this does not mean EVERYONE is — I mean, there are a couple of bad eggs (that I have come across while in Japan), but many of them are chill. Sometimes people even come up to randomly, seeing as you are foreign, just to see if you’ll talk to them in English and/or Japanese.
And as for people outside of Japan getting involved in Japanese things, I’m sure no one looks at it like, “that is horrible. They are shameful to Japan.” No. No Japanese person thinks that way. That’s like saying they can’t like American music. Like get real. :P